Divorce can trigger all sorts of unsettling, uncomfortable and frightening feelings, thoughts and emotions, including grief, loneliness, depression, despair, guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, and devastation, to name a few. The change was… well… less than spectacular and rather low key. Do for you and find your truth. If someone feels they are not the problem you won't change their minds. A lesson I will bear for the rest of my days.
Coping with Divorce
From part of Cary Pall's collection that I dubbed sometime in the mid 's. For every females age 18 and over, there were Strangely enough I did not see that coming. Kneisel, Joseph Philip California, - Retrieved July 20,
I started screaming for him to stop so he finally did. Then I grabbed my phone and sid I'm calling As soon as I said that he took the phone and broke it in half and said call them now. I got mad and threw the phone and he turned completely around to make sure it hit him and said now call them so I can tell them that you hit me with your phone. I didn't know what to do so I just grabbed a few of my personal things and left and went to get a hotel.
I called the police department and filed a report which he later threatened if I didn't get it canceled it would leave me and the baby with nothing, here by ourselves, no food, no way to eat or anything 'cause he would lose his job getting in that kind of trouble.
I stupidly enough didn't press charges. Then he kept me so stressed during the pregnancy that I was in labor and on procardia every hours for two months before I had our Son 6 weeks early. He left us in the hospital for a week and only came up there a few times for around an hour then left to go home and drink.
I watched all the other Mommies get to take their baby to their rooms and I couldn't so I spent every minute I could stand and keep my eyes open in the NICU next to him while he was under a breathing machine and on tubes and IV's and stuff. The nurse Lucy asked me on the third night if I wanted to hold him and I about died because I hadn't been able to hold him yet. She said you've been standing in here looking at your baby for almost 72 hours straight and you haven't even been able to hold him?
She took a picture of me because it was the hardest I had ever cried in my life. My sister found out I was by myself and came from several states away to come be with me.
Thank God 'cause I was so miserable. Mothers Day he got to come to my room for the first time. We called my husband over and over to tell him and ask him to come up there. He showed up in the afternoon for a bit then went back home.
The next day they said we could go home. We spent the entire morning during all the check out stuff trying to get a hold of my husband to come drive us home. He showed up a few minutes before we were headed out the door and drove us home. One night I was at home and changing our baby's diaper. When I finished I was trying to put him in the crib and go wash my hands. He grabbed him out of my hands with his beer in hand and would not let me have him back.
He was slurring and walking funny and scaring me to death that he was going to drop our son on the tile floor. I was crying, shaking and screaming as loud as I could to give him back so he wouldn't get hurt. He forced me to wash my hands before he would give him back to me and watched me every second until I was done. I talked to an attorney and filed for a divorce as soon as I could. Now I've been fighting him for a divorce over a year and a half and I gave up my home, my vehicle, everything to get away from him and protect my Son.
He's done so much stuff to cause two attorneys to drop me 'cause I couldn't afford them and now he has me again with no attorney and is surprisingly ready to sign the papers now with all sorts of rediculous stuff in them. Apparently the only way you can get what you need out of the courts these days is if you have tons of money to pay attorneys to go in and fight it for you. If you don't have the money your ex wins almost anything they want. What a wonderful system our country has huh?
It's been such a long road and I'm exhausted! Please pray that I can bounce back and be ok and that we are both protected and safe from my ex at all times. I love my little boy soooooooooooooooooo much! I have been married for only two months and a a couple of days ago my wife told me that she was not happy and thinks she made a mistake.
She feels that I do not respet her family and that she was not sure if this was the right thing. I moved to another city with her so she could start graduate school. Now I find myslef in an apartment with someone who feels they made a mistake.
I hane no friends or family around here for support and feel at lost for what to do or how to help her. I love her so much and suggested marriage counseling to see why she is unhappy. I outright asked her if she wanted a divorce and said that she was not sure. I really do not want to loose her. Any women out there who have felt down after a marriage? I read that some women become depressed after the marriage and sometimes feel it was a mistake.
My husband and I were together 10 years, married 8. He was so wonderful, charming, beautiful. I found out that he had been having affair after affair. He met a girl that was 2 months out of high school and took her virginity. She had no idea he was married. He met her 6 months after he met me. She even remembers when we bought our home. I talked to her on the phone after finding her on our phone bill while I was in GA grieving the loss of my grandma.
At this point it was 5 years in. I also found cards from his secretary that said things like Happy Birthday, hope your not disappointed that your only getting this card.
He denied that until years later when I lied and told him that I took her to lunch while he was out of town. He was with her for about a year.
Long story short, she saved personal mail sent to him at his work for a YEAR and mailed it with no return address to my work. It was a bunch of cards that were from his best friend Ray's wife that said things like Merry Xmas wish I could give you more for xmas. I called her, she denied it and then told me that she wasn't proud of the fact that she had been having an emotional affair with him for a year.
There was another on the phone bill, this one denied anything, but I could tell she was lying. His teenager told me that he would call her when he was out of town on business and have phone sex, I assume right after calling me to say good night.
I found other cards that said things like Happy Birthday, let's get together for a little business a little fun from a woman that he uses for a temp company called Voit. When I looked into his address book online I found auto additions for screen names like psuedonimph and asia doll. He admitted to having cyber sex too. I had been in counseling forever thinking it was always me. At first my therapist thought he was a sex addict. After talking to collegues she thought that he had narcissistic personality disorder.
He took a test and it was true. He told me that his results came out only as average meaning the average person with NPD. He gave me herpes and HPV during all of this and while I cried and thought this was something I contracted years ago and might have given to him he let me suffer knowing all along he had been cheating, at that time I did not know about all of the other stuff.
He lied about everything, I mean everything. The sad thing is now we are getting a divorce and I am so lonely. He crushed my soul. It is amazing how a narcissist works. They are truly the best person you can ever be around, but they start to wear down your self esteem until you can hardly stand on your own.
He left me with no self esteem and no hope for the future. I am 36 and have no idea how to even begin to put the pieces back together. I am so lonely and depressed. I have no idea how to start to date, I don't even know where to meet people. I was 26 when I met my husband and had no problem meeting men at that point. When I read all of this back to myself it sounds rediculous, if it were my friend I would say OMG get out. But unless you have been with someone with NPD you don't get how they leave you grieving the fantasy that they so made you think you had found.
They are so good at turning things around and making you think it is all your fault. He is a saleman which makes him that much worse. He once told me that his job doesn't start until they say no. My therapist asks me all the time what do you love about him? It is not him that I love, it the fake fantasy that he sold me.
He lied about stupid things like saying he coached little league before he met me and he volunteered as a Big Brother. Why can't I get over this man? Why do I some how still think that if only I could do something different maybe I could bring out that guy I first met even though I know it was the fake him.
People with NPD are the life of the party, they go after what is called a narcissistic supply. They have no self esteem so they look to others to bounce off how wonderful they are. This is one reason all of his victims are young woman who don't know better. Liek the teenager, they had a relationship for 4 years and he never gave her his home stating that his drug addict sister lived with him and that it would cause problems.
Also he is the VP of a manufacturing Co in Cypress, CA and so I never saw any of his personal mail, cell phone bills or had access to his email. I asked him for his password because like Dr Phil says if you have nothing to hide, hide nothing, he never would.
Also I only saw his cell phone about 5 times in 10 years and one time I did sneak and look at in and out going calls and he had deleted all of them. I forgot to add that while he was taking the virginity of a nice Asian girl he was Well, that is all I have for now.
I feel so down that I just had to find some place to vent. I find that my family and friends are trying hard to be supportive, but they don't understand that I just need to talk about the same thing over and over. I am just trying to process. I am depressed and sleeping seems to be what I do most. I just want to know when will I get over this and when will I be able to move on.
I have been in a relationship for ten years and for the last two have been having an emotional affair with someone else. Eventually I decided what I was doing was wrong and hurtful to my partner so I told him and we broke up. He dissappeared for 4 months and then came back with the sole purpose of winning me back.
I did move on in the meantime or at least thought I did, I now have some major mixed emotions between wanting to move onto a new life and new partner and wanting to go back to my first love.
There were problems in our relationship, he is very unstable and has not held a job for very long. He is also incredibly insecure and has ADD which is very straining in a relationship. He does certainly have some very good qualities, fun, outgoing and everybody that meets him loves him!
It seems he is now very dedicated to me and to making his life more stable and wanting to start a family with me. I am torn between giving him the chance everyone in life deserves, or listening to advice and realising things never change and to rather move onto my new interest who has stuck with me through all of this turmoil and pain and is also a very good man.
Also scared to go back in time and potentially have to deal with anymore emotional pain as this has all been going on for 6 months now Any advice on how to do it? Pray to make good decisions and follow your heart.
How lucky you are to have found love twice. I have only loved once in my life and I am I have been married for 3 short years We have 2 beautiful girls 11 and 2. In July of last year my husband had an affair with a married co-worker. I found out through text messages, emails etc. He lied to me over and over again even making me feel a fool for having thought he was cheating. When he was caught, he continued to pursue the relationship claiming he didn't know what he wanted and he was trying to figure things out.
I wish I could go back and un-know everything I know. I wake up everyday wondering how this could be my life--how did I get here--what went so very wrong? It is like a nightmare that I just cannot wake up from. I loved this man with all my heart and I though for sure we would grow old together. Your dreams are so shattered when betrayal like this happens. It is just unbearable. We are now going throught the steps of the divorce--he moved out about 4 months ago and he is to pick up the divorce papers in fact today!!
I just have to keep believing there is some great thing out there for me that will come from this I found that my life was turned upside down when I found out that my life with my wife was coming to an end.
We were married for what would have been 7 years today , but I feel so empty inside. She has been having relationships with other men online and on the phone more than just a friendship. She would get a little to graphic on the phone with them, right in front of me. Every time that she would have a short term relationship, I would be treated like crap.
She would say the marriage was over,then when she would end her little flings then she would come crying to me and want to make me feel like I was the only and the best thing in her life. I was a wuss and kept letting it happen. The hardiest part is we have three kids together. I find my self crying alot and not getting much sleep. I will not drink cause I know that I won't stop, it will just make matters worse.
You wife does not respect herself and this problem is about her issues not you. She has demonstrated lack of self respect and in this you have fallen victum. Please get out and find yourself again. She cant tell you her truth becuase she doesnt seem to know it. What is your truth? What did you love about y ourself before she broke you? Show her that you are important and value yourself and your children. Take that stand with her and in other aspects of your life. Go do something for yourself.
Silly as it sounds a new cologne or haircut or whatever! Do for you and find your truth. Do not let her tear you down in her self distruction. Hang in there and find YOU. My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 5 kids. Throughout all the pregnancies there was many ups and downs. I am a recovering addict and have only returned from a life altering relapse, under 3 years ago.
But when I came back, I dedicated myself to her and the kids. I would walk through fire for ANY of them. I also am a strong earner but my wife is a strong spender. I often f all into financial problems, b ut always get through them. My wife has been telling me that she wasn't happy with me for a long time But I would give her money , or time alone and I always cooked and cleaned for her and often watched the children She has always treated me like a child or an irresponsable father.
It was always very strong and passionate. One month ago, she told me that we won't be sleeping together anymore I can't even say why, because she has not given me any real reason. She has filed for divorce and I feel like my life is over. The pain is over whelming. I can't work, I can't sleep and I get so angry that she seems so happy and self reliant. I pay for her expencive beauty enhancements We hardly have the money for it. She seems to be completely unneffected by my pain, even though it effects our abilty to be productive, financially.
I asked her to make love, just one more time a couple of weeks ago, just to make sure it wasn't something about me physically The sex was extremely pleasurable for her But after that, she continued her dedication to seperation and divorce.
She expects me to function normally and be there for my kids and keep giving her money, to do her hair nails and waxing. I feel so alone and depressed at I never thought that she would do this to me. I have this great fear of dying alone. I've sat here and read many of your comments and they make me feel my issues with my husband are petty and stupid.
We have been married 9 years and have known each other We met racing sailboats, had a long distance romance and then I got pregnant. We married for the dumbest reason of all I got preganant in a situation where we never dealt with any sort of responsibility together during our romance. Heck, he made it plain he was only going to be around long enough to get the money to go on his next adventure--Alaska.
Here is a guy who built his whole life as a penniless, nomadic adventruer. More power to him--he was single! He comes from a very nice solid family. He's honest and decent and the greatest friend you'll ever have. Neither of us ever came close to cheating on the other.
We're now divorcing because I feel I grew up and he never did. I thought married and faced with being a father, he would redirect his energies toward being a provider and solid member of the community. The problem is I am a very strong wage earner and consequently, I feel, he never felt compelled to provide.
I've spent the last 10 years supporting him in one business venture after another. He said if I made him go out and get a conventional job, he would divorce me. So meanwhile, he's been making a record setting yearly income of We have a 9 yo daughter who I very much want to raise and thus resent the time I must spend away from her working long hours.
He treats his work as a hobby with no stress attached to make ends meet. I pay for everything. He typically makes enough to pay his car payment and daily needs. Meanwhile, you would think his inability to make money would bother him enough that he would try to make up for it in other ways such as helping around the house. Literally the only thing I could count on is he would take the trash to the curb. He could care less about how the house looks. He sleeps at odd hours but claims that is because he is an insomniac at night I don't know cause I'm asleep.
He is a highly skilled carpenter but practices with no license, no insurance and apparently no regard for the fact we could lose our house if he gets sued. And, he gets so wrapped up on quality it is of no consequence he never gets paid for it.
On top of that, he has no care for our house, he never initiates any conversation about our daughter's education, saving for college etc. The long and short of it is he just seems to float along in our lives on the fringe. I feel like he's a dependent and not a life partner and that it will never change. I walked around daily pissed off and resentful that he seems to be enjoying a carefree life on my dime and time.
I hate that our family is breaking up but can't I expect a partner in life--someone who gives me a soft place to fall sometimes? Isn't that how it is supposed to work or am I just being petty and stupid? I have been with my wife for 7 yrs, in the early part of our marriage things were a little rocky I talked her into going to marriage counselling with me because i was so devoted to our marriage.
We went and for the last 4 yrs things seemed to be ok except for the ocassional argument here and there. Then one day in june of this year she told me that she was no longer in love with me and that she wanted a divorce, I sked to go to marriage counselling again and her response was no if it didnt work out the first time it wont work this time.
I kept asking and askin day after day untill she finally gave in and my counsellor who is in our church noticed some strange behaviors in my wife and asked to see her on a one on one basis, my wife did agree to it, before we left our session then two days later she left to out of town and what i found out because she told me was that she partied with some old friends while she was gone and some guy whom i dont know brought her home at 5a.
I feel so insecure, so scared, lonely i need prayer bad If you would please pray for me i would greatly apperciate it my e-mail is fsufan sbcglobal. My wife and I have been married for almost three years. We were originally roommates and that led to eventual marriage. Lately, I noticed that she was acting differently towards me. She just didn't seem to have any emotions towards me. So last night, I beared my soul and wrote a three page letter to her, explaining what I was feeling.
Today, she said that she wanted to end our marriage. She is extremely stubborn, and would not accept trying counseling.
Unfortunately, she already has made up her mind and refuses to even try. What really hurt me, was when she said that she didn't think she loved me anymore There is a part of me that knew our marriage wasn't working all along, and unfortunately it got to this point, which I never expected to happen so dramatically.
I'll admit, there were times when I wasn't happy, and the same for her. But, I love her with all of my heart, and can't understand why she can't try marriage counseling? I'm really hurt, and confusing matters even more is that she is going to remain living with me as a roommate. I don't know for how long. There is a side of me that is happy about that, because I wouldn't be able to afford things on my own, and deep down But, on the other hand I can't even imagine what would happen if she brought someone over.
Another burden on me is that everything bill related is in my name. So the house is mine I believe , since I'm the only name on it, along with both cars, credit cards, and everything else. I'm just so overwhelmed by everything that has gone down in the past 5 hours. Any advise would be appreciated. There is a part of me that feels like such a failure right now my emotional side , and a part of me that knows this is for the best, but very confusing when it comes to my immediate future.
Every emotion besides happiness is evident right now. I'm hurt, sad, angry, nervous, fearful, etc. Where do I even start. I came upon this site trying to find comfort for myself since I'm also going through a divorce. My wife announced she was leaving me at Christmas in We've been together 17 years and married for Anyway,,,,, I don't want to give advice because I don't want to lead anyone in the wrong direction.
There are similarities between your situation and mine. I'll give you some thoughts that relate to what I'm doing to get through this. I hope they will help you in some way. When it comes down to it people are out for themselves and will do what they want to do even if it means hurting someone else. My wife refused counciling also. If someone feels they are not the problem you won't change their minds.
I went in for counciling on my own. My wife told me she doesn't love me any more also. The unfortunate part is that people do fall out of love. I have to accept it. I also knew my marriage wasn't going well at times. I was willing to hang in there but I have to accept that she isn't willing. We tried living together until our house sold but it was too uncomfortable.
The hurt was crushing but overall I was better off. I also still hope that we can somehow get back together but am prepared to accept that we probably won't. One thing I will say is that, for you, make it clear to your wife that she better not bring any man over. There's a point where you need to stand up for yourself.
Please do not feel like a failure. You have done the best you could and the person that didn't see that is probably the failure. I feel all of the emotions you do. Hurt, sad, angry, fear, and all the rest. You're going to go through a grieving process. All of these emotions are ok. They're part of the process. Feel them and do your best to let them pass.
I've probably gone on too long already RJ. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope something I've said will be of comfort. After 17 years of marriage I am "starved" for affection of a man. I've met someone but he has made it clear it is just a platonic relationship I live in a retirement community in the Ozark Mountains in Arkansas.
I am 47 years old and the baby of the community I thought I had sexual problems but now my eyes are opened. I saved my virginity for my husband It was all him Now I am sexually "crazy" and so vulnerable. My husband of almost 5 years recently told me he didn't want to try anymore and wants to end the marriage. We went through a 2 month seperation in april which he initiated after which he came home as if nothing had happened, without so much as an apology. All through the marriage my husband constantly told me that we were not going to work and would threaten to leave me.
While we dated we had our fair share of disagreements with a couple of incidents which I think left both of us feeling bitter and insecure ,but we got married any way and had a child, my husband went through a phase where he was heavily into porn and that was the beginning of the end because it left me feeling insecure and ugly,and I began to be paranoid and started being jealous and emotionally wounded. Then the hurt turned to anger and I began to drink heavily and lash out,the stress of trying to be the perfect mom and wife was unbearable.
I was home with the kids all day cooking and cleaning taking the kids to practices and whatever,but when he got home I was ignored,he would watch sports all day or be on the computer all night usually watching porn while I was sleep their was no affection or emotional support on his part. He would tell me that I was to"suck it up " if I mentioned that I was burned out from the duties of wife and mother,but would be there to support his female collegues or friends often inviting them out for drinks or dinner when the stress of life was getting to them,i would find text messages from and to females but he never had time for me I felt lonely and like why did I get married in the first place.
I never cheated and honestly don't believe he has either. I also believe we truly love each other which is why this hurts so much. His brother also passed away in march and he left me 2 weeks after the funeral, after I was giving everything I had because I knew he was grieving. Ibelieve he is still grieving his brother and is deflecting that onto me. I am so confused I want my marriage but am tired of being married but single. I just want to be happy and feel safe with my husband and feel likehe cares aboutwhat's going on in my life and not have a get over it attitude when it comes to me.
He has let his family members treat me with disrespect in my own house,some of his church members have looked on me with scorn and contempt,and he never came to my aid,or showed the world that he wa with me in every sense of the word like a husband is supposed to. Maybe my idea of of what it meant to be a wife was unrealistic. I'm not saying I was perfect but I tried constantly to nurture him and the marriage to no avail. I tried self help books marital advice books,early in the marriage I asked him to go to counseling and he refused.
Should I let go or fight for my marrige? Late June of this year, my husband recolated to california from lv,nv for another job.. I was to follow in 6 months. Towards the end of July we had still not been able to visit each other due to our work schedules and have been arguing over the phone He kept saying our marriage is in trouble and he's not happy and for me to consider agreeing to a divorce because that's "what's healthy for us" he said.
I thought all this was happening because it was my fault. He swore there was noone else. Since it was under my name I changed it and immediately checked the call details online.
That was the day I found out he had been cheating on me with the same girl he had a fling with in Jan. I don't know if they are living together, he turned my inlaws against me so they have not returned any of my calls.
I am filing the divorce through a lawyer and not through a paralegal which was his request before I found out about the affair. We have no children or major assets. I do however need help paying the bills which he has not helped with since moving to ca.
I don't have any substantial funds for the lawyer fees. Is there anyone out there who has gone through a leagal proceeding with the only request being temporary spousal support? I just want this to be over as soon as possible so I can move on. My wife has been depressed off and on for 6 years, since the birth of our 3rd child. From extreme closeness we would drift apart for one reason or another. And then love eachother very much once again.
We have been together since Over this time the feelings of distance have increased and with them I became upset, worried, jealous. I could no longer lift her spirits the way I once could with a smile or a gentle touch. I learned how at these times to cut off back, and this lead us to the point where she felt no support when she needed it.
Dont get me wrong, I loved her very much even then, but found it difficult to show it. In the misguided belief that we would make up again very soon as our love was strong. I had eroded it, so she began to look outside for the support that when she was feeling down was essentially no longer there. Although I felt I had not removed it. I now feel shame for this.
And also grief, as she has decided to divorce me. Devastated because she has hurt me. And I let rage build inside her, so that it burst out and she wanted to kill me. I wish that my jezebel could have heard things I was thinking at those times that we drifted, because i certainly did not hear myself. I wish we could again simply walk up to each other and embrace and close our eyes as we once did, and let the world slip away. I dont know what will happen. If you are reading this, and have hidden things, remember what this fool did I left out my most dear treasure on a shoreline and let her be washed away.
Too late for this wonderful soul. A lesson I will bear for the rest of my days. Sorry my sweestest jezebel. OMG you and I are in the same boat, except that my spouse would not stop drinking I miss laughing with my friend though I was feeling so lonely and now reading your comment and writing back I know that I will be just fine,,,,,Thank you Jackie My husband left in the first place when our business was failing.
Went to work one day and got a call he wasnt there, well he disappeared, lots of emotions at that time for all of us, anyway he came back made contact after 2 weeks, decided we needed to move interstate, we all went, didnt want to but were forced, he was always saying that he never got to do the things he wanted, our love was so strong and now that i moved back to our original state he decided to stay where he is to build his business of landscaping and now i find out he has a GF he new of in his course, cant understand whats happend but i presume he is still in his depression as he has never had any material things in life plus its a midlife crisis but i cant do anything just trying to wonder what happend.
I believe that I am an over emotional man. I care about people and things very much. And I want everything to be perfect even though I know it cannot be. My parents were divorced when I was 15 and it hurt me very bad. I promised that I would never let that happen to my children. I ended up getting married to a woman that had a daughter. I love that girl so much. We also have another child together.
But my wife's daughter ended up losing her father in a snowmobile accident. I told myself I would work even harder to be the best parent ever. Well I found her cheating on me this year She moved in with this guy and I am just devistated. I bought her everything I always had good credit And she doesn't care. I feel so much like I failed me and my children She has had to deal with so much. My wife seems to mess with my emotions every day. And she threatens me with me never seeing the girl that lost her father.
She has been in my life since she just turned two years old This just wrecks me. I haven't been myself for so long I am on the verge of losing it and don't know what to do. And I am kind of a quiet person so I usually hold everything in I just need to get some of this out But I am willing to try anything at this point. And good luck to all that are going though same stuff I thought I was happily married for the past 8 years.
A great step son, a wonderful new son and a wife. I support her in every way raised "our" children together and supported her decision when she had to work 48 miles away.
With gas going up we were spending a month in gas bills so a studio apartment was the option. This lead to my wife having a year long affair which I had no idea of until Friday when she walked in my home and said I am in love with another man. We need a divorce. She maxed out the cards, drained the bank account and expects me to support her now as she was fired from her job because of partying with this guy and drinking.
I have also found out she frequents "swinger clubs" passing this man off as her husband, and is also an alcholic. She wants the children to go live with her and her new man and his 4 kids. He has also been arrested 11 times for domestic abuse but never convicted because the witnesses have never showed up. I do not want my children involved with this, but it will kill me inside to tell the woman I have loved for so long she cannot have our children.
A lawyer has told me to stand firm and tell her to go. I feel hurt, remorsefull, ashamed, violated, and guilty all at the same time wondering what I did wrong. Any ideas on how to handle this issue as I can't eat, sleep, concentrate or anything at this time? First off, like other sites like this I have browsed, I am hugely suprised to find others that were in situations just like mine.
My soon-to-be-ex-wife papers are finalized next week, so legally, we are still married , dropped the bombshell on me last Wednesday October 1st that I would be getting a divorce. I hadn't been the best husband in the world, but I am drug free, didn't abuse alcohol, I didn't cheat on her, and I, above all, was a good father. We had been having problems that started years ago, and before a 2 month deployment to the desert, decided to start councelling.
While I was gone, she went by herself, and when I returned, we began attending together. It was slow going, but I began to change for the better, and worked a lot on getting out of emotionally destructive patterns.
We had said once that we'd give it a year after that, and we'd see where we were. We fought less, and as a couple, I thought things were getting better. Then I got back from a 2 week temporary duty for the military no, I don't go on these things often, if that's what you are thinking , and the day after she took me out on the premise of going out for coffee. That is when I found out that she had already made arrangements to leave, gotten a lawyer, an apartment, and began outlining the terms that I would see later that week in the temporary order.
I was stunned, shocked, and didn't know what to do. I asked her why, and she told me that things weren't getting better quick enough for her, and that she wanted out. For the rest of that week, up until and I guess a little since then this past Sunday when she came by to get the last of 'her' things, and hand over the keys to 'our' home which I was getting, along with the debt for it. I was a wreck. I neither slept nor ate for over 4 days. On Saturday, my boss a great and supportive guy had me come into work that morning just to get me away from everything.
I told him that I wouldn't be able to make it through the day, and was going over to my parents' who have also been great house. He understood and I left. I slept on the spare bed for about 5 hours. The first real sleep I had gotten in days. After she walked out for the last time on Sunday, I fell apart in a way I hadn't over the few days prior.
I couldn't believe what had just occured. All I have been thinking is "What did I do? My only response to that was "Oh, you too? I decided a few things, and maybe this will help others:. There is nothing I can do to change it. It sucks but life will get better some day. The whole situation sucks, and I don't have to like it, but I will make it through. I will never put my kids through that. The hurt, the lonliness, and the simple fact of not being able to put my boys to sleep except 3 nights a month sometimes gets overwhelming.
I have still been able to see my therapist, but it doesn't seem to be helping much, and I don't think it's her fault. Regardless of my forced positive outlook, I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into a hole that I can't seem to be able to reach out of anymore.
It's great to find a group of people making this situation seem common, and provided sound advice to getting through it.
In my case, I've been happily married for a decade, came home from work one day, had a nice dinner out with my spouse, and when we got home she said "I want a divorce", no emotion, nothing behind the eyes, or the statement.
I thought it was a joke. It became obvious that it wasn't a joke over the coming week, when she said she wanted to file immediately, wanted no counselling although we'd never had a problem to mention. She got a lawyer, so I had to fall in line and get one for myself.
So, long story short, after two months of deep suffering, questioning everything in my time with her, and wondering how in the world we'd be able to sell our house in this market which she demanded, and the courts would likely agree with I started getting guily phone calls and emails from her friends who said she had been having many affairs over the past two years, and had broken up with four separate people.
Everyone of these guys was married with kids. I felt like I had been gutshot by an elephant gun. I had no idea who I married. She was never a hugely empathetic person she would get angry when I was sick with the common cold, and I remember thinking she looked like she did when she returned an item on a warranty claim. Putting her behavior together over time with a friend who is a very skilled psychiatrist, there was little doubt that I had married a clinical case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
She can't go empathetically deep on relationships, although she charms everyone she meets. She collects people and relationships and keeps the scam running throughout her marriage. It all started to make sense when her friends told me all the incredibly negative things she had said about me everything from "he leaves water in the sink" to "bad cook", "terrible writer", "bad lover", "pretends to be better than he is at everything", etc I then told all of them what she had said about them - pretty much the exact same list of complaints.
She had been playing everyone against the middle the middle being her, of course. She seduced people, then trashed them to anyone who would listen. Then she'd go back and seduce them again. Everyone thought she was their best friend. Now we all know we were played.
Unfortunately, I was played into a nasty divorce, and she's not very happy with my new emotional skill set of being completely detached from her in an interest for keeping myself away from her power plays and false seductions. So, here I sit feeling I have lived for a decade in love with a person I knew nothing about, who did little more than trash me everytime she met someone on the street with whom she could speak.
I'm just trashed by this knowledge. I've even honored her memory by having a couple full blown panic attacks when the usual triggers of divorce papers, and bank statements arrive. It's like falling into a black hole, with no ropes to pull yourself out. I can't imagine going back into a relationship for a long while, but how can you trust anyone after this nightmare?
I see so many men here who have had the anguish of this year of hit them too. We were married for 6 years and dated 1 year. In the end it was over. She left me telling me she did not love me anymore.
I raised her son from her first marriage. We could not have kids as she could not anymore. It has devestated the stability of my life. I to don't even know who I am anymore. This started in May and she moved out 2 months ago. Since then I have had so many ups and downs. I never did drugs, alcohol, cheated etc. I stayed true in that sense. I paid all the bills, stretched myself to my limits finanacially.
Because she would never contribute to the bills around here. But her money went to her horses etc. She was never emotionally there for me. Always acted like that was a mental thing to be there for your spouse. We didn't even sleep in the same bedroom much anymore when we moved here. I could go on. But I want you others out there to know that you are not alone. Divorce is common sadly.
This was my first marriage and now first divorce. I to have delt with so much guilt and anguish over it. I have really beat myself up over it. I am now in counceling ot deal with all the emotion that have come up in me becouse of this , and now one my own , i realized to late this is what i need right now ,, to deal with "me" so nowi an tryingot learn how to make a life again , and how to cope without taking down teh few friends i have , and not life this every second , ther was never a chance to heal , i went from devoce , to another failed relsionship, then to the abduction of my dauther, ther phynacal devastation, and now another failed relsionship all becouse i did not take the time to do what i needed to ,,, well no time like the presnet as they say.
Well, since my friends have their own lives and are noticeably tired of listening to my sorrows, I decided to look for support groups online and here I am. I can say I feel your pain and I am going through the same agonizing experience as you are. Let me start by saying that, for the most part, I was unhappily married for 7 years. We did have good moments and good intentions…However, the lack of companionship and same interests were evident from the beginning, and we ended up growing apart, and I mean, so far apart that I looked back and could not see him anymore.
When we did do things together, a silence and a lack of excitement were always present. During the first two years of marriage, when things were not going well, I thought to myself: Still — We kept trying and trying and hoping that one day things would improve. Strangely enough I did not see that coming. I thought we would try forever and one day, miraculously, we would manage to make the marriage work. Leaving the house was the worst part.
We both cried and I left. Then, this week I signed the divorce papers and I had an inexplicable breakdown. That piece of paper was the material evidence that it was over. How can this be over?
I know we will heal eventually, and maybe we will then realize that we are both good people, good people that did not work out well in this role of husband and wife. Still So hard to let go! I know my marriage is over. He's off cheating on me in another city and knows I am falling apart, but doesn't care to check on me or the kids.
This is my whole life. My family was my career and now I will have none. I will be alone. I don't want to live. The pain is too great. How do you survive this period where you either want to die? I'm really sorry you are struggling. I too am going through a divorce.
We dated for four years and have been married for tenyears. We have two young children and now my husband has moved in with another woman who is independent, has her own money,is 3 years older than him and no kids!
It's a terrible feeling I feel so betrayed. Helck, Peter New York, - Hill, Edward Springfield, MA. Hoeflich, Werner Iowa City, born, New York, - Springs, Long Island, Hollyer, Samuel London, - New York, Homer, Winslow Boston, - Scarboro, Maine, Horter, Earl Philadelphia, - Howell, Raymond Oakland, CA, - Hudson, Eric Boston, - New York, Huntington, Daniel New York, - Hurley, Edward Timothy Cincinnati, Ohio, - Isaak, Nicholas United States, Born, Izant, Stephen Los Angeles, Active, c.
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