The 6 Most Insane Video Games About Dating
At this point, you reach that important moment in every young man's life when you must decide whether to pursue romance with the president, your other neighbor and childhood friend turned chief of staff, a female version of Vladimir Putin "Russian President Putina" or the physical embodiment of the alien spaceship. So far there's only a demo download link. All of these things will affect a litany of personality meters, ranging from 'goodwill' to 'sensibility' and the game's art style will change based on her mood.
A Drug That Makes You Dream , you control an ordinary high school student who meets a whimsical fairy girl trying to find a way back to her fairyland. A teenage boy and an alien disguised as the Chief of State Let me attempt to describe this game as straightforwardly as possible. This seems as a good a time as any to try to rebut at least some of the more popular grievances. As an aside, the images that are now cached into my browser history as a result of researching Eiyuu Senki's waifus will inevitably lead to my unemployment and possible arrest. Now, I didn't see anything particularly hot n' heavy, but just look at the face of this pro-player I beat in the first round: Knowing whether you can see love in those beady, alpaca eyes, or whether your partner would let you ride on their alpaca back, is something all couples face sooner or later.
Subscribers also have access to loads of hidden content. Join now and wield the awesome power of the thumb. If you're already an awesome Cracked subscriber, click here to login. Dating video games are hugely popular in Japan: They're text-heavy games where each click brings you a little closer to either getting to see some cartoon porn or ending up in a "game over" screen and then seeing that cartoon porn on Google anyway.
The stories always involve a childhood friend you secretly lust for, a wise character with glasses who gives you advice that you secretly lust for and, this being Japan, a healthy dose of insanity. Some of these games take that last part a little too far, though, leading to some very confusing boners.
School Days is a popular erotic "visual novel" that inspired various spin-offs across different media -- including Cross Days , the game you can play with a literal cock control and which outs you as a pervert if you try to pirate it. In School Days , your character is a kid named Makoto who gets involved in a romantic triangle with two classmates that you have to get him out of without breaking the hearts of either of the girls You can find the whole scene here if you want to see it in all its glory you really do.
That's what happens if you string along one of the girls but then start seeing the other one on the side -- the first girl catches wind of it and kills her rival with a hacksaw. When you think about it, this means that even the "happy" endings are secretly terrifying, because you're now either dating or good friends with a potential psychopath waiting to snap.
The cover gives no indication of this, but you should know better than that anyway. If, instead of cheating on the first girl, you actually break up with her to date the other one guilt-free, then the one you just dumped jumps off a bridge and lands headfirst on the cement right in front of you both. Even if you try to do things right, you still wind up soaked in blood. School Days was so popular that they even released a version for PlayStation 2 that censored all the porn scenes For example, if you stick with the first girl and ignore the other one, then at the end of the game she pushes your girlfriend in front of an oncoming train, leaving you holding her disembodied hand.
In another possible ending, it's both girls who are run over by the train after one tries to kill the other , and in another one, it's you. As if to acknowledge that the bad endings that you get if you play the game wrong are the most popular feature, the School Days anime adaptation ends with the protagonist decapitated and his girlfriend dead. That's like doing a Super Mario Bros. You could probably guess the entire plot of Let's Meow Meow! The setup is that your character in the game has always been nice to stray cats, so one day he's rewarded by a powerful cat god who offers to grant him one wish.
Naturally, he asks for a cat-girl who will have sex with him, because what other reason could there be for not being a dick to animals? We're on to you, cat owners. The cat-girl is also a maid because those are legally required to appear in these games , and as soon as she's out of the box, she immediately proceeds to give your character a blowjob. If you still feel like you need to play this game after that, there are plenty more surprises in store.
Several other animal-human aberrations somehow end up in your house, too, including a literal Playboy bunny:. Three common fantasies in one! And in case the whole "interspecies sex" thing is creeping you out, another cat-girl who is actually a robot designed to look like one:.
Right, like we've never heard the "Officer, she said she was a cat robot! Finally, there's a human girl your childhood friend who " just happens to like wearing cat ears and a tail during sex. They could have all been real women who enjoy disguising themselves as animals, and the sex scenes would have been exactly the same.
There was no reason to involve cat gods, robots and mutants from another dimension. You had other options here. And it's not like you can pretend they're real women who are into intricate role-playing -- each of the "girls" has the traits and personality of her respective animal, as if to remind you that, yes, you paid for a game where you pretend to have sex with humanoid animals.
If you've always wished your porn games had more political debates and international diplomatic impasses in them, My Girlfriend Is the President is the game for you. The plot starts when an alien spaceship crashes into the White House and kills the entire Japanese government yeah, the game can't quite decide what continent it takes place on.
To cover up the disaster, the alien in the spaceship brainwashes the entire planet into thinking the president is actually a random teenage girl It's still more plausible than Ron Paul getting elected. Since you're the only one who knows the truth, the alien names you vice president. At this point, you reach that important moment in every young man's life when you must decide whether to pursue romance with the president, your other neighbor and childhood friend turned chief of staff, a female version of Vladimir Putin "Russian President Putina" or the physical embodiment of the alien spaceship.
All of whom look like year-old girls. A hard 12, but still. As far as we know, this is the only dating game where your objectives include solving a missile crisis in North Korea which isn't even a metaphor for boners , dealing with the political tensions between Japan and Russia caused by the fact that both presidents have a crush on you and still finding time to spy on the girls as they're bathing nude together.
Thankfully, you have a squad of crack commandos at your disposal to help you with that last mission. So this is what the guys who killed Osama do the rest of the year. Meanwhile, you and all the other characters still have to attend high school, because, come on, you're teenagers, and not doing that would be unrealistic. The school scenes are pretty much normal, except one of the teachers is a panda with spectacles and another one is secretly an evil alien hiding under the most inconspicuous disguise ever: So, the current Pope.
In the end, you and the girls team up to fight Evil Space Nazi Pope, and everything goes back to normal. Whether your brain will ever do the same thing remains unclear. In Deiz , you're a high school student going through a normal school day -- or at least, what passes for normal in these games. Depending on your decisions throughout the day, you can end up having an intimate encounter with one of eight possible characters You'll only find out when it's too late.
Pretty sure there's an actual game show with the same premise. The weirdest part of this game is that if you do everything right, it's a standard romantic comedy about a boy with a crush on a girl who is also a critically acclaimed film director, for some reason.
But if you mess up, things can go horribly, horribly wrong: For example, in one of the potential endings, you suddenly get kidnapped by a student who has been stalking you, who then proceeds to strip you naked, whip you and mock your unresponsive dong. If your porn game makes fun of the player for not getting a boner, you're probably doing it wrong. In the game, you have not one but two childhood friends, a guy and a girl, who help you hook up with your crush.
However, one of the endings involves your male friend revealing his feelings for you by grabbing your penis, in the most awkward "game over" screen ever. And if you end up with your female friend, she also makes a move on you with her penis, as demonstrated in a scene where you become the unwitting middle ingredient in a boner sandwich. It's nice that everyone's happy to see you, we guess.
And then there's the ending that combines almost all of the above: You and your friend the one with only one set of genitalia, that is are kidnapped and forced to make a gay porn movie at Taser point. This ending, by the way, was determined by a poll in the creator's DeviantArt page. Really blew the chance to use the word "pole" there. But there's one place where the artform is getting more popular than ever and that's internet fandoms.
With only a few art assets and even less programming knowledge, these creators have been releasing romantic homages to their favorite properties with sexy?
Enjoy the thrill of joining the art club alongside The Spy, or maybe fall in love with the class president, Miss Pauling. I named my protagonist Counter McStrike, but only because "Jonathan Globaloffensive" wouldn't fit in the dialogue box. There's something so tonally off about this project. The only thing I can think to compare it to would be a Lamaze class taught by Duke Nukem.
So far there's only a demo download link. There is a LOT of self-referential meta-humor to wade through in this game. I had downloaded the demo hoping to experience the ecstacy of boning Slenderman, but instead I'm just reminded of my teen years publishing unfunny zines at Kinko's.
Sweet merciful Lord in heaven. The dizzying highs, the soul-crushing lows, and the intense rapturous power of Nicolas Cage will leave you satisfied. There is only one point of interaction in the entire game. The music is harsh and might blow out your speakers. Despite this, I truly believe it to be the best game on this list. It is your duty to experience the unyielding terrifying romance of Nic Cage.
The project seems to have lost steam a few years ago and that's a damn shame. After so many terabytes of cheesecake Zero Suit Samus pinups being posted on the Internet, it was refreshing to see this game go out to allllll the ladies. As you traverse the Internet Cafes of Seoul, you encounter hoodie-clad rivals and allies who will guide you on your journey.
But here's the most shocking part of this endeavor, it's actually fun even if you have no familiarity with the eSports scene. This malformed offspring of twitch.
Imsges: top 6 weirdest dating sims
Oh man, a fangame that requires in-depth knowledge of anime tropes AND modern era professional wrestling? Luckily for our hero Thaddeus Cub, the town's new doctor, his hulking physique and willingness to closely inspect the crotches of man, demon, and orc alike make him the perfect fit for the Meat Log community. If you've been paying any attention to this article, you already know that we're talking about sperm.
And when it comes to, shall we say, progressive couples, no one tops the open-minded pairings found in dating sims. Humanity's days are numbered. So this is what the guys who killed Osama do the rest of the year.
On the other hand, it stars a top 6 weirdest dating sims president, so it deserves at least a modicum of credit for progressive ideas. And yet, everything about Love Love Chau!! The music is harsh and might blow out your speakers. Now that I think about it, there was ONE overtly sexual gop Trust me, if you've been in a relationship long enough, you know what I'm talking truly free dating websites. So this is what the guys who killed Osama do the rest of the year. Here's a tip, ladies:
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